As a divorce mediator, I see a lot of people who are getting a divorce. Many are frustrated with their spouse, their life, or their particular situation. They think that a change of scenery, or change of partner is going to solve their problems. The reality is that life and relationships are full of hardships that we must learn to navigate as mature people. Rarely does a change of spouse or scenery actually provide the change we desire. Learning how to engage in healthy conflict, how to compromise, and how to share our expectations with each other are the more successful, yet necessary habits we need to cultivate for happier relationships.
Many people come to my office to mediate a divorce with unrealistic and even fantasy ideas of what their life will look like post-divorce. Here are three things that I think couples contemplating divorce should seriously consider before they throw the towel in on their marriage or relationship.
1. You will not have the same standard of living post-divorce. Most of the couples I help get a divorce experience a significant drop in the quality of life concerning their financial situation. Whether both parties worked, or one was a stay-at-home caregiver, the money that supported one household, will now need to cover the expenses of two households.
In today’s real estate market, many couples that own a home have significant equity and a low-interest rate. When going through a divorce, any equity that was acquired in the marital home during the marriage needs to be divided in some way, and if one party decides to keep the property, they usually must find a way to refinance the property and take the other party off of the mortgage. Many people balk at refinancing out of an ultra-low mortgage of around 3% to the higher interest rates now hovering at 7%. Refinancing will raise their current mortgage payment significantly even if there is no equity to be paid to the other spouse.
I have seen a trend where parties try to live in the same home together as roommates essentially, so as to not deal with the marital property until a later date i.e. when or if mortgage rates go down. This is usually a disastrous decision as divorcing couples want to start new lives with new partners.
If couples decide to sell the marital property and divide the equity that way, they find it nearly impossible to find a replacement residence that is the same quality and housing cost as the marital property they just sold. Today’s higher interest rates have significantly increased the cost of owning a home, and if child support and alimony have to be paid, this can seriously reduce a person’s buying power.
Also where a family might have been covered on one person’s group insurance, it is possible that through a divorce one of the couples finds themselves needing to buy insurance privately which can come at an exorbitant cost depending on the person’s age.
2. The children are going to be affected no matter what. Some people that I work with hold onto a fantasy that their children will not be hurt, disappointed, or sad. Even adult children have their own grief to process when they discover that their parents are divorcing. Suddenly their whole childhood feels lost forever and the nostalgia of days gone by is replaced with painful rumination about the loss of their nuclear family unit.
Younger children must endure the confusion and initial instability of going back and forth between parents’ households. In the majority of cases, parents rotate children for the major holidays and this causes stress for the kids who miss the other parent during these important times. Sacred family traditions fall victim to lack of money, lack of time, and lack of married parents.
According to the website Legaljobs, statistics show that children of divorce inevitably struggle with fear and rejection in their own adult relationships. Here are some other issues that children of divorce may face:
-If the divorce occurs between the ages of seven and 14, 16% of children are more likely to have behavioral problems
-Children with divorced parents are twice as likely to attempt suicide.
-It’s harder for children to fit in if their parents are divorced; four times as likely as kids without divorced parents.
-Teenagers with divorced parents are three times as likely to experience mental health issues compared to teenagers with married parents.
3. Wherever you go, there you are. People believe that their happiness is primarily determined by what partner they are with. The problem is that there are two people in a relationship and if both people are not actively trying to improve themselves and become better people and partners, it doesn’t matter what person you are with. Because as the saying goes, “Wherever you go, there you are.” This is both the title of a book about mindfulness by Jon Kabat-Zinn and also a popular saying used by recovering addicts in AA. It simply means that you carry your baggage with you wherever you go. It doesn’t just magically disappear, it must be dealt with if you want to live free of it.
Simply said, people who leave one spouse because they “aren’t happy” will probably find themselves in another unhappy relationship down the road unless they have a long look at their definition of happiness. Here are four pillars of happiness:
-Gratitude. According to Harvard Health, “Gratitude is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness.” It can help people “feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships.”
-Sense of purpose. Everybody has a purpose in life, but sometimes it can be hard to discover. Taking time to identify what brings you joy, and what doesn’t, helps people to discern if their cause of unhappiness is their partner or their lack of fulfillment in life.
-Strong relationships. This seems to be an obvious truth, but many couples fail to make their relationship a priority. Time, children, and the inevitable struggles of life can take a toll on anyone’s intimate connection. Before deciding on a divorce, couples should decide if working on their connection might reignite the passion they first had.
-Spirituality. According to The Pursuit of Happiness, “numerous studies, many conducted by agnostics, have demonstrated a close link between spiritual practices and happiness. Those people who consistently go to a religious service seem to be happier than those who don’t and recent research suggests this is not merely because of the social aspect.”
Spirituality helps you to get outside yourself and connect with a higher power. Instead of being self-focused, you learn to be Other focused. Brene Brown says it this way, “Recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than us and that our connection to that power and one another is grounded in love and compassion. Practicing spirituality brings a sense of perspective, meaning, and purpose into our lives.”
The decision to divorce is one of the biggest decisions a person may ever decide, and should be deliberated over thoughtfully, before pulling the trigger on a marriage. Deciding if the pros of a divorce outweigh the cons can help a couple navigate their way through the quagmire of outcomes. Talking with a divorce discernment counselor is money and time well spent and will help a couple on the brink to decide if divorce is truly in the best interests of all involved.
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